Question about forgiving.

[Karolina]

I know how important is to forgive people, who have hurt us. I've also read a book about Radical Forgiveness. I understand the meaning of it. But what if somebody hurts me all the time, and does things, ONLY TO HURT ME ? It's the one I love... and he does all the things just to make himself feel better, to see if I'll be jealous.
Now, I don't really know, what is the truth, and what is a lie. One day he says he loves me, and the other day, he flirts with other girl. When I asked him, almost begged him just to be honest with me, and if he fell in love with another girl, or just doesn't love me anymore, to tell me this. And I will respect his decision, and respect him. He said : "ok, I promise, I'll never lie again", and the other day the same situation.
Last time I just got so nervous, that I told him that I don't want to know him anymore, that it's definetely over.
We've been for about two years together, but he's changed lately, and he's not the man, I fell in love with.
I don't know if I want him back, but the hardest thing for me, is that he still keeps hurting me. So should I still keep forgiving him in my mind ? How am I to this, knowing that he doesn't stop his game ?

[Awesome]

Do you want to be in a relationship like this Karolina? Is this what you know love to be? Don't you want to have a real relationship filled with magic and sparks and all the real nice stuff?

I've been there and I'm going to ask you some very personal questions? Is he the type of man who has made you feel so guilty about his behavior, not your behavior, but his - that he does something wrong and somehow some way it turned out to be your fault? Does he make false accusations about you constantly? You have actually given him a number of answers to be able to truthfully tell you "If you don't love me anymore, just tell me and I will respect your decision, I will respect you".....You gave him the opportunity not for him, but for you because you know that what he is doing is because he is doing things to deceive you......

Why are you still in this relationship? You can still love him, without loving him in a way that you continue to be hurt and because of this continued abuse, your love for him has probably changed hasn't it? It must have, for one, how could you love someone that hurts you like that - let's be honest, it's because there was a time when you were genuinely in love with him, at time when you gave him 100% of your love unconditionally, and when you give someone that kind of love, they can hurt you over and over and over, and some people will stay in these relationships for whatever reason, mostly looking for some sort of silver lining that they will change, and some do and some don't and some survive and some won't, but I do know this.....Eventually, you have to realize that you get from life what you want from it and no one has control over you, unless you were bound and gagged, I guess that would constitute control, but that doesn't mean they ever control what you want in your mind.....

Forgiveness on the other hand, is a separate issue and should not be associated with a way to maintain a relationship, especially not this one.....

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself Karolina, it is something you do so that you can release the negativity of something that someone has done to you, with or without reason.....When you forgive you do it for you, the act in itself, is for you not for the other person.....You can truly forgive someone for what they did and they may actually thank you, but it is for no one but you, so that you may find peace in yourself for what was done to you.....

This so called game? You can quit anytime you want.....Question I'd like to ask is why would you expect anything less than the very best life has to offer? Do you feel you owe him something? Do you feel you have to work these things out alone? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your days?

Goodness I hope not.....It sounds from your post, that you really do love this man, obviously, you are making alot of excuses for his behavior - but what about yours? What about what you are doing to yourself? Tell me more about that.......

Namaste,
Awesome

[Retta]

What feels better? To stay with him and be in turmoil all the time or to move on?

Retta

[Karolina]

Thank you Awesome for your answer.
First of all, I'd like to say, that the first 1,5 year was almost perfect, he didn't even want to look at any other girl. He was lovely, and I was most important for him. There was a time, when I didn't know what I want, I told him that I don't want him, that I need space, and I was dating with other guys, he was crying, begging me to come back, he was waiting for me all the time.After about 3 months, I understood my mistake, I apologized, and tried to show him my love as much as I could.
Now, I just completely don't know him, he's not the man, he used to be.

" Is he the type of man who has made you feel so guilty about his behavior, not your behavior, but his - that he does something wrong and somehow some way it turned out to be your fault? Does he make false accusations about you constantly?" Yes, he still reminds me " you were like that, now I need time and space" ... and then I feel guilty.... that "I started this game", that I made him the way he is now, because I used to tell him to change.... Didn't want him to be so good, and lovely... Yeah, I know... how stupid I was, but once I made this mistake, it never happened again.
That's true.... he makes me feel guilty for whatever bad happens between us, even if he says, that he knows, that it's his fault. I feel, he doesn't think like this.

I study in a big city, when I came here, I didn't know him yet.We met where my parents live, and I used to live. And after those 2 years he had to move to my place.. but now, he says, that he's so scared to move so far,and he doesn't like big cities. He also says that he doesn't know what's hapenning in his mind...he doesn't understand himself. And the other day he swears to God, that he understood everything, and he's sure that he'll come to the city I live in, because he loves me.... And then again he starts the game...

I don't know, if I love him as much, as I used to....I know that it hurts, that now I see, that I don't know this man, whom I've been with for 2 years.

"..Question I'd like to ask is why would you expect anything less than the very best life has to offer? Do you feel you owe him something? Do you feel you have to work these things out alone? Don't you want to live like this for the rest of your days?"

Of course not... I know I deserve better, but I know how sweet, loving, honest, and good he used to be for me.... and still trying to ask God, to find answers everywhere to one question : where's the man I knew ???

I'm trying to be strong, I read all the things " You have to think positive, to attract all the good", and I deeply believe it's true, but sometimes it's just hurts so much, that I'm crying like a child, and I can't stop.
I love myself, that's why I want to forgive him, and to free myself from the pain. I know it's possible, just looking for the answer : how ?

Sorry for my english.

[Awesome]

Your english is fine.....there are a few things you can do to put things in perspective, like for one you can restore the harmony in your relationship - focus on the wonderful things about him and not your complaints. When you focus on the wonderful things and you appreciate those, you will be astounded at how many more thing to appreciate suddenly appear in him.....I know it seems hopeless and that you feel powerless to help him when in fact you do have the power within and if you direct it properly, can help him beyond anything else. You can focus on him in this difficult situation being in joy, by imaging him in joy right now and hold the outcome of joy for him. By doing this, you will cause the unfathomable Creative Power to move through you to bring him joy.....

You have alot of soul searching to do, and it seems that both of you have alot of work ahead of you to make this relationship work.....It is obvious what you don't want and now that you are clear on that, perhaps, you can use this time to manifest the things you do want.....The most important thing I can tell you right now is that you can't be miserable and expect things to change - and only you have the power to do anything about it.....Yes like attracts like to you have to seriously consider what it is you do want and don't want and just because you love him and know what kind of man he can be - it doesn't change the fact, that he is the man he is.....The man you want him to be may surface in your presence, but he may not - I am just being honest.....The one law that stands above all others, is free will of man - you cannot think, choose, decide, or feel for him Karolina, this is something he has to want for himself.....

If you want to transform your life both inside and out, you need to find you - FIRST AND FOREMOST, you need time to focus on you, find your joy, find the things that make you happy, that make you laugh, you have to TRULY LOVE YOU - only then will you be able to bring true happiness into your life - when you truly love you - you don't even have to try and figure this stuff out, everything just starts falling into place.....You can try to do alot of things Karolina - just remember that regardless of how much effort you put into trying - doing and choosing make differences.....Choose carefully - you are all you have!

Namaste,
Awesome

[Karolina]

Retta, of course it's better to move on ... We haven't had any contact for 6 days, and I have to move on, because today he went to the Army, and he will have to stay there for 3 months. I don't know what then he'll choose... to come to me, or to stay where he is now....I'm not going to go back.

Thank you for your reply,

Karolina

[Retta]

I was married for two years (long ago) to an abusive alcoholic. I stayed with him for many reasons but most were not good reasons. I remembered how he used to be. I thought if I loved him enough he would change.

I wish I had known someone back then who would have asked me the hard questions and made certain that I answered them honestly.

When I read your post about how you had questioned the relationship and left for a while I can see how you might think it is your fault that he is playing games with you. But it isn't. He has his own choice to be nice or not to. And it seems he was choosing to punish you rather than love you.

I would be grateful that for three months he was gone and I could get my head together. Begin to define what I really wanted in a relationship and in life.

I'm glad you are hear and asking the hard questions.

Retta

[Awesome]

Unless you fill yourself up first, you have nothing to give anybody. Therefore it is imperative that you tend to you first. Attend to your joy first. People are responsible for their own joy. When you tend to your joy and do what makes you feel good, you are a joy to be around. When you are feeling joy you don't even have to think about giving. It is a natural overflow.

You are now receiving the knowledge that will enable you to create the most magnificent version of you. The possibility of that version of you already exist on the frequency of 'the most magnificent version of you'. Decide what you want to be, do, and have, think the thoughts of it, emit the frequency, and your vision will become your life.

To create the life of your dreams, the time has come for you to love you. Focus on your joy. Do all the things that make you feel good. Love you inside and out. Everything will change in your life, when you change the inside of you. Allow the Universe to give you every good thing you deserve, by being a magnet to them all. To be a magnet to every single thing you deserve, you must be a magnet of love.....

You can create anything you want, but to do that you must follow the principles of the law. Eliminate all doubt and replace it with the full expectation that you will receive what you are asking for. If you are not receiving what you are asking for, it is not the law that has failed. It means your doubt is greater than your faith.....

Live your dream in your heart and let the Universe move everything to bring your dream to you. Feel your dream, feel the presence of the Universe inside you, KNOW that the Universe is with you, guiding you, and then allow the Universe to realize your dream.....

Love, light, peace and positive energy coming your way.....

Namaste,
Awesome

[Karolina]

Thank you Awesome once again for your reply. It helps me a lot.


I'm going to do my best to let it go now, it's hard, but I'm sure it's possible. I really need to take care of my myself now. I love him unconditionally, and will pray for him. I guess that's all I can do now.
Could you recommend me any books according to my problem ? I've got a lot of J. Murphy's, and Louise L. Hay's ones,and of course "The Secret", but I'd love to read something new, to understand everything better.

[Awesome]

Patra's got the Abraham Hicke's Part 1-5 posted on the featured discussions and that has alot of great insight available.....

I just finished reading Wayne Dyer's - Change your thoughts.....Change your life

and I also enjoyed Sylvia Brown's - If you could see what I see

All really good reads.....ENJOY and stay with us Karolina, here you are surrounded with love and support and I genuinely intend to be there for you....

Namaste,
Awesome

[Karolina]

Thank you Retta for your words, it's very important for me, it hurts a bit, but I'm sure you're right.

I don't want him, the way he is now, maybe in some time when we'll be apart from each other, he'll really understand something, and change, if not.... then I'll have to live my life without him, and I'm sure I'll find the love of my life.

Thank you!!

[Karolina]

Thank you Awesome, you're really awesome!
I'll try to find these books in Poland.

And I'll surely stay here, it's a wonderful, and powerful place :)

[Sir Neil English Eccentric]

Start to forgive yourself for allowing this situation, and for allowing yourself to be treated like this. It may come from a past-life memory, or something in this life now. Maybe you have a belief about love and relationships, or even about yourself. Or maybe you were shown a ‘template’ of what relationships are like, from another couple. Whatever the block is, it is what has manifested this situation in your life, and what needs to be released. Forgive yourself first and foremost, and these patterns will start to fade away. Affirm many times a day: I FORGIVE MYSELF.