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Hello everyone, Ok, well I have a dear friend that I'm really worried about. She keeps getting cancers back in her life, over and over again. I think within the year she's had breast, skin, ovarian, leukemia, goes away and comes back. I always worry that my friend may not make it. As a result she's spent thousands of dollars on treatments, which are draining her budget. Her Specialists all say she has to decrease her stress in her life. At the age of 40 she's never been married and is clueless about men & relationships & keeps repeating the same mistakes in her relationships, because she claims she's had limited dating experience. Although she asks for my advice, she rarely follows it. She is a chronic worrier, obsesses about everything in her life, is very bitter and suffers from the "broken wing syndrome". I know she is a religious person and talks to God about the things she is grateful about. Whenever I try to help her she says I cannot possibly understand because I haven't gone through the things she has...Fair enough...I keep telling her not to sweat the "small stuff" like being controlling & demanding in relationships, but to enjoy the other person and have fun. I can't seem to get her to The Secret or LOA. In a nutshell she feels complete despair, is always complaining about her life and I don't know what to do?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...Please help I'm at my wits end...

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She is where she chooses to be.

You can tell her every secret formula in the world about getting well, thinking positive, using the Law of Attraction, etc., etc., but if she is not ready to hear it, she will not.

Relax and let her be. She is exactly where she is supposed to be. If she weren't, she'd be somewhere else. This is her journey and she will take it and do just fine.

Meanwhile, what about you?

I know that you care about her. Did you know that the best way for you to care for her is to care about you?

Part of the reason you feel bad about it all is that you are not allowing her to be where she is. I know that sounds weird. But it's like trying to put a square peg into a round hole; she is just not going to fit.

This may be hard to realize (and if I were in your shoes it would be hard for me, too, I think) -- but this journey for her is exactly what it is supposed to be. She resists your help because she wants you to just let her be where she is. It doesn't mean you say, "Oh, I'm glad you have all these cancers." Yes, the reason she has them is because of stresses in her life. But SHE has to be the one to decide if she wants to deal with the stresses and look for ways to better herself. Perhaps she doesn't need bettering. Again, I know that sounds strange. But there is something to be said for realizing that people really aren't as bad off as we think they are. And I think a lot of times, our attempts to better other people or help them is because we are not taking the time to look at ourselves. Your job is to help yourself know how to love her and be present for her and allow her to be where she is. If she wants info from you, and seems open to it, you'll know.

So it may seem against the grain for you to hear that it is not your job to rescue her or tell her about the LOA or anything. And it isn't that you should never tell her, but it's that you have told her all you can tell her, and she is in a totally different place from her vantage point, so she's not going to hear it quite the way you meant it. She has to figure it out for herself.

And if she asks for advice but doesn't follow it, then give the advice because you want to, but it's really a lot less stressful for you if you don't expect her to follow it. Not that she won't, but if you give advice expecting her to take it and do exactly what you say, you'll be disappointed. But if you give advice, do it like you're putting a piece of candy on the table then leaving the room -- then she'll have the choice as to whether to eat it or not, and you won't be standing there watching over her. It will be less stressful for you and for her if you allow her to find her own way. She will whether you want her to or not; it will just be less stressful because she won't be resisting you or feeling she must do or say things to please you.

You are a good friend to care the way you do and I am sure she appreciates it, whether or not she lets you know. Your best bet is to be a good listener and really trust her to find her own path toward wellness, if and as she chooses. Trust her. She needs to know that she is trusted, and I think you will feel a lot better, too.

Mary Jo
You're right. I've done everything I can for her & if she chooses to be a "martyr" then who am I to stand in her way? Well, she knows I always give her positive reinforcement and make her laugh. You're also right that it absolutely irritates me when she says I don't understand her issues. For eg) I've had lots of dating experience before I married and had a fun life, she was in 1 long term relationship for 15 yrs living common law, and had no other boyfriends. Now that she is dating she is being overly melodramatic about her relationship (everything is a crisis she can't handle) and acting like an immature teenager. In her defense she says it's because she is like a teenager because she never dated before... huh?
Thanx so much for all your input! :)

Hooked on Sparkles (love that name btw)
You've made some really good points. "She is exactly where she is supposed to be". You know I hadn't even considered that, but you're right when you say she's at a different vantage point then me. "Trusting her to find her own path toward wellness...Yeah that one I have a hard time with. Sure I know she'll find "a path" but will it be towards wellness? I think I'll pray for her even more...
I appreciate all your comments :)


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