I could use support from my Friends, Pls:)

[Melissa]

Hello Everyone!

I'm a bit confused and feeling down , I could definetely use some support and even help with this issue.

To sum up a long story, my boyfriend who I love and live with has gone on business and while he is gone I have been maning the fort.lol

His brother is a recovering oxycotin addict, who has been on in and out of recovering for 6 yrs now.

So this last time he is living in the town we live in and getting his treatment here.

Well the other day I was asked by my boyfriend to givehim money to pay off some debts. But was told to get a receipt from bank.

I also asked him to cut the lawn as a way to work for the money that is being given to him. He said sure tomorrow.

Well tommorow came and I called him and he said he couldn't do it b/c his freind stopped by and he thought he stole the rent money so he was looking all over for it etc etc.

Just a reason not to come and do it. So I said ok well I would like for it to be done by sat the latest b/c it is supposed to rain tomorrow.

He got very upset with me , I then just simply asked him when he was depositing the money so I could get a receipt. Well the plan changed and now it was to be dropped off at the friends parents house.

So I said well How can I get a receipt that way.  He got so upset and said F- U don't talk to me this way you have no right etc etc.

YOu can go F yourself and hung up!

Then sent me a txt and said if you ever talk to me that way again you can cut your own grass.

 

Well I was very upset b/c I feel he wants to be treatd like an adult and wants to regain our trust back. Then he has to work for it. I gave him a chance to decide when he was coming to cut the grass, and he took advantage so now I was politely telling him I would like it done by sat the latest.

When I told by boyfriend he said I wasn't to talk to him with authority that he was sick and wouldn't listen.

So now I'm left feeling as though, I'm in the wrong that he can just keep going on acting like he has no responsiblity and no one seems to be putting a stop to it!

I really don't know what to think, Any support or help would be great!

Thanks so much

Meliss

[Michelle Petkus]

Hey Melissa,

Your BF's brother is an addict and unless he has to face consequences he will never win his battle. That being said you did nothing wrong. You asked him to cut the lawn and he agreed to do it but did not follow through. It is normal to be upset about that. The brother also got very defensive about the money which may be an indication that he is using it for drugs and not for what it was intended for. Or it is possible he is just feeling defensive because know one trusts him. Either way his behavior is not your responsibility. You also can not control what he is going to do which means you may not get the receipt your BF was expecting. This is not something you should feel guilty about. If your BF is not willing to draw the line with his brother then that is his choice but you do not have to take any blame for things the brother does. My best advice to you is to not get involved in the brother's affairs. Simply tell your BF that you do not wish to be treated poorly by his brother and unless he can be civil you will not do favors for him. You obviously have to way your options with what you feel is best but just remember the brother is not your responsibility. You do not have to do anything for him unless you want to and you surely should not take responsibility for his behavior or lack of behavior. Good luck.

Love,
Michelle

[Angie]

Hi Melissa,
Definitely, what Michelle said! It is a tough situation to be in. Try not to be the go between, if your BF wants to enable his brother and disallow his brother from getting the opportunity to find out that he CAN take care of himself, then let you BF do it and allow you to remain neutral. Too many times well meaning people (usually parents) "help" their children to the extent that the kids don't KNOW that they have the ability to take care of themselves. The well meaning parent (sibling/friend) does not realize that he is keeping that person from taking part in his/her own life creations, leaving the person to feel helpless and dependent on other people. It is amazing the confidence and self worth one can get from knowing that "I can do this!!" and get themselves out of their own problems. When someone keeps rushing in and taking care of it, the problem with the person remains the same and they know that someone else will take care of it.

I hope that made sense, I have been going through something similar and it is very tough!

[Melissa]

Thank you so much for your advice. I ended up cutting the lawn yesterday after work. B/c he never showed up. What makes it so frustrating is there never seems to b any consequences for his actions.
However, I love my bf and know the best thing is to be done with his brother. I will no longer be the middle man. I don't agree with the way he treats ppl and have to walk away from the situation, B/f it begins to affect my relationship with my partner.
Sometimes it just helps to vent. Thanks for listening.

[Awesome]

Melissa honey,

You can't speak to someone like him cause it's impossible! You can HEAR the excuses right? Sometimes people get so caught up in their bullshit that they really BELIEVE their own lies. Trying to help someone who has these issues is difficult to say the least.

You can help if you want to but to expect something in return, well, that's complicated. Besides via LOA, we learn to NOT expect anything in return for what we give.

Simply decide! If you are helping him financially, have him do the work first.

YOU and boyfriend need to seriously discuss the issue because it can easily get out of control and can cause stress (which is already happening), but if the two of you are clear on what it is you are trying to do for hiim and you don't let it interfere with what the two of you want as a couple then the burden will become lessened.

It's so difficult to try and help someone that clearly doesn't want to be helped. So don't make it your problem. Simply decide! What are you willing to do and what are you willing not to do. Nothing more or less.

I know I want to help people like that and I've learned from hands on experience that it will drain you of everything if you are not careful and the worst part is, knowing that I had a choice from the beginning and thinking that I had the power to change someone's life when I know in my heart that if they don't want to, it won't happen.

So I'm very different now and I can't bear that kind of responsibility, for my own sake. So now, if I so choose to help, it is merely because I have chosen to do so but I'm am no longer responsible and I don't give what I don't have and I don't feel obligated either. My mind is clear on the intention.

With or without YOU, they'll be okay. You might not like the choices they make, but they are not your choices to make.

Take comfort in knowing you can love someone and care for someone and not like their choices, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Namaste,
Awesome