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Ok, I have stayed with my relative, and I've had this recent spit(see thread on abuse).

I don't take score, but I have a couple of times owed them money and they've done things for me like moving belongings(I know out of family obligation guilt).

They have reminded me continually when they've had the chance of how much. And so sometimes I dream they come back and have a devistation and need money so I can just give them a grand or two and relieve for good this crazy guilt they've helped instill in me!

I basically want the universe to do something that evens the score so their games of guilt over having done things for me, or let me stay with them for low or no rent a few times is over in THEIR <Minds not only mine. I guess I don't want them to feel they always have a one up on me, and believe I used them, etc...I want to feel even so I can go about my life with a clean slate(they've manipulated into being unclean as when they did things for it wasn't really out of unconditional love, it was out of sick obligation or over their religious beliefs).

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Unconditional love is being able to take a step back and seeing what is the ultimate good for that person. It is also being able to speak the raw truth even though it might hurt you because the end result is for that person to be in a better place in life.

What most people don’t understand is that giving unconditional love is not about providing a person with everything they want or ignoring inappropriate behaviour.

Unconditional love is not co-dependent.

Unconditional love is sincere and honest. It looks at the best and weakness of a person and encourages that individual to step forth out of victimhood and weakness. Then, it stands back. It does not drown the person into its own weakness.

I see a lot of people here have love for Laura, if not they wont bother to answer to her threads at all :)

I also believe the people who truly love and care for me tell me things as it is without worrying about how I feel towards them. They just want to see me in a better place, having my own power.

And in the end I am always so thankful for those who are able to see for me what I do not see myself.

I fully agree with you Natasha and I love your words of

"Unconditional love is not co-dependent.".

Beautiful Natasha!!
I've had important people in my life give me the unvarnished truth when they saw me playing the victim and acting in self-destructive, self-defeating, and/or appallingly selfish ways. I was a complete mess when I was younger, and created a reality for myself that included alcohol and drug addiction, petty crime, bouncing in and out of various colleges, constantly moving because no place was ever right, homelessness, an abusive relationship, and loads of drama as I played out the rebel/victim role.

Was I angry at them for speaking their minds and telling me the plain truth about what they saw? Did I get offended? Did I feel they were being unfair? Yes, yes, and yes.

I got so angry, I cut ties with them. I didn't want to hear their "criticism" and "judgment." Even when I felt that twinge in my gut because I knew they were right, I vehemently insisted that they didn't really know me, couldn't possibly understand me, and that they were only trying to tear me down, just like everyone else in my life. Couldn't they see that other people were to blame for my problems? If I could only find the right people, the ones who wouldn't abuse, reject, or criticize me, everything would be great.

I had to hit rock-bottom before I could start to accept the truth of what they said. And I hit hard. Sometimes, I remember things that happened back then, and 25 years later I'm astonished once again that I'm still alive.

Those people told me the things they did because they cared. They saw something in me that I couldn't even see in myself, and believed I was worth trying to save. They desperately wanted to talk some sanity into me, and soft-pedaling it hadn't worked. Lending a sympathetic ear and telling me how great I was only fed my refusal to take responsibility for my situation. So they risked enraging me, and possibly ending the relationship, in order to say exactly what they thought.

In most cases, that's exactly what happened. I refused to listen, and cut ties with them. In doing so, I gradually lost all my sane friends, and ended up surrounded by addicts and criminals, who shared the same negative mindset I had.

Here's the thing: I didn't want to listen to what my most devoted friends said, but I couldn't help but hear it anyway. I wouldn't have been so angry as I was, or turned away from them so ruthlessly if I hadn't heard their messages. And what I heard couldn't have been so deeply offensive if, at a deep level, I hadn't known it was true. But I was terrified of the truth, and desperate to outrun it. I was terrified to change. I desperately wanted my circumstances to change, but to give up my rebel/victim role in order to become the kind of person who experienced those circumstances? I couldn't do it.

Until I could, that is. Until my experience became so excruciatingly painful and humiliating that I finally had to admit they'd all been right. That didn't happen all at once, but bit by bit my resistance to what I'd heard fell away. I started to take responsibility for my experience--just a little bit, at first, but that was enough. I didn't have to change completely overnight; I just had to start taking small steps in the right direction. Within two years I'd seen my life improve in ways that had been unimaginable to me before. And in the two decades since I've kept moving forward, bit by bit, as I can, when I'm ready.

I look at Laura, and I see my younger self. Not in all the specifics, but in the general frame of mind. And like the people who saw wasted potential in me way back when, I see it in her, too. I wouldn't bother posting any of these comments if I thought she was a worthless person.

Do I unconditionally love her? No. I won't even pretend I'm that evolved. If I was, I wouldn't even need to tell anybody about it; they'd know. But do I love that buried potential that I can see, winking through all her excuses and blame-placing and poor-me rebel/victim fear-driven ego junk? Yeah, I think I do. And while she may choose to reject everything I've said, and refuse to listen, I've said my piece as plainly as I can, and like it or not, she's heard it. It's hit the mark and pissed her off, and she's free to keep rejecting it as long as she needs to.
"But do I love that buried potential that I can see winking through all her excuses and blame placing and poor-me rebel/victim fear driven ego junk? Yeah, I think I do."

That's so so sweet. I love your honesty about her reminding you of your younger self. I am sorry that I judged your response as coming from a place of anger, AA.

Thanks for this great, honest  and personal reply Vortician

"I gradually lost all my sane friends"

maybe I'll start a thread called, "When your family is insane?"

This is so good WonderfulGarth

Thank you.

And thank you to Marcy and Flowerpatch too :)

Ha! in 2014 I did NOT realize the codependent remark totally applied to me. Unconditional Love means loving no matter what. Loving it all. Everything.

I actually LOVE this how we CAN unconditionally love WITHOUT it meaning we are being codependent or taking abuse.  Like really, well put. 

I love you AA and I do live in a place of pure love towards ALL :) unconditionally.
And I'm learning like everyone else and do my best at all times!
I don't feel I choose special people while neglecting others I just believe that when I see someone trying and growing it makes me feel awesome!

Laura, I am sure you must have heard of the Drama Cycle or Drama Triangle

If not, check it out as your situation is a classic example

http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

Might give you some new insight.

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