:) Ok, I haven't written about my love life in a little while. Exciting things have been happening, but I don't kiss and tell!
I owe it to changing my attitude about this whole aspect of my life. A lot of the change came when I noticed the patterns I used to get into subconsciously, and I just got so tired of over-analyzing people's behavior. I never did this too terribly often, but at my most desperate, I admit I did do some of it. Then I realized how silly it is to do. The moment you start analyzing someone else's behavior, you unconsciously start making their opinion of and response to you more important than your own opinion of you. This isn't unequivocally wrong, of course, but just like with any action, the rightness or wrongness or appropriateness or inappropriateness of it depends on what your goal is. I determined several months ago that I wanted to approach dating from a light-hearted and curious point of view, instead of being so serious about it all the time, and recently I realized I needed to actually...well...do that.
I've had a lot of time to define and clarify my approach to love and relationships in the past few months. I don't think being light-hearted means being flippant or not caring about people's feelings. I do think, however, that when we are truly secure with ourselves we can best see others as the fascinating beings they are, instead of what we hope or wish they will become. And when we can be loving toward them without hoping they will do or say anything in return, that is when we are the most free. This isn't being a doormat, because a doormat still desires to win someone's devotion through his or her submissive behavior. But when I am expressing love to someone and being in the moment without expecting him to declare his undying devotion to me as a result, that is when I am showing him my true self. And I can only do this if I really love and embrace that true self. I think for me this is what taking a light-hearted approach means.
I've decided that for me, dating and relationships aren't about games or trying to get any one guy, but rather it's about learning how to cultivate real intimacy and express the unconditionally loving self that lies underneath my fears.