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Is porn a negative, desensitizing force? How can I talk to my guy about it?

Firstly, I am a very spiritual person and have manifested many wonderful things in my life. I am so blessed and able to do the work I love, and I recently met a man who resonates with me on such a soul level. We spend hours laughing, playing, discussing literature, philosophy, spirituality. We meditate together, paint together--it's blissful. However, in a way that almost seems uncharacteristic of his beautiful personality, he has this very kinky, dirty sexual side. I am adventurous and passionate and quite open sexually, but I also want a loving soul experience with sex, and while bondage and wildness is fun sometimes, I feel he needs it to be aroused. Another very troubling thing for me is the degree to which he is into very kinky kinds of porn, so much so that loving, gentle sex does not arouse him. He recently, in the spirit of exploring together, brought up the idea of a threesome, and I know it works for some, but I have felt tense and unhappy and slightly sad ever since that conversation two days ago. I feel our intimacy and privacy would be destroyed. I am a passionate, warm loving person, and he is too, and it saddens me that he is so sucked into this kind of sexuality. I'm wondering what people in this community, who are aware of energy and attraction/repulsion, think about desensitization from porn, and is there any way I can address this or help this scenario with thoughts/affirmations? Thank you! And blessings!

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Are you really talking about sex, then?  Seems to me that you're actually concerned with RESPECT or KINDNESS or TENDERNESS.  By that I mean that it is clear that you feel offended, hurt, harmed by his use of the words "slut, whore, etc." which could just as easily be said to you while you are not having sex.

 

It's basically that you are getting abraded by the harshness of these particular words/gestures.  That harshness could also just as easily be shown via other words and other gestures.

 

With my second true love, I used to do a very insensitive thing that at the time seemed like a loving thing to do:  I used to sneak up behind my girl and grab her butt or massage her boobs.  Seemed like I was just showing her that I still thought she was absolutely sexy.

 

To her, it made her feel like just a piece of meat and that all I wanted from her was sex.  In all accuracy, that was the furthest thought from my mind--I was sooooooo in love with her.  But that's what she read into it.

 

Today, I realize I was a total clod for doing that to her--very, very uncool.  Of course, wouldn't you know, some girls WANT me to rough 'em up sexually.  My current beloved will actually bend over "innocuously" hoping that I'll grab her a-- and get it started, and she gets mad if I don't!

 

Anyway, there are a few things to look at here:

 

1) Is he ADDICTED to porn, or is he just limited in his interest to only the fast rides at the amusement park?  You'll find out pretty easily by inviting him to expand his horizons--if he CAN'T stop using porn, that's very different than if he PREFERS to use porn.

 

2) Look within yourself and ask, "How am I disrespecting or being harsh to myself?"  It is this harshness to yourself that attracts the harshness in the way he treats you.  What can you change in how you treat yourself to attract a change in how he treats you?

 

3) Oops, my bad.  I made a mistake in suggesting that you are only interested in "slow, loving sex" or that your sexual repertoire is limited to the "kiddie rides."  Please accept my sincerest apologies.

 

4) Be true to yourself, then!  If you know that you are not interested in trying a threesome, affirm it!  Take that stand and ask him to respect it.  Be fearless--acquiescing to what he wants while sacrificing what you want just to "save" the relationship will actually doom it.  One truth that you will learn if you haven't learned it already is that there is nothing at all wrong with asking for what you want from others and from the Universe.  (You just have to be equally mature about allowing others to refuse to give you what you asked for.)

 

5) I agree with Pie.  Jealousy has no place in any truly loving relationship.  The greatest gift my third true love gave me was completely eliminating jealousy from my life.  (She really put me through the wringer to teach me that lesson; she slept with four other men while with me, and the ones I imagined her with were many times worse.  Finally, I made the absolute decision to strip jealousy from my life, and it's never returned.)

Two's company, threes a crowd!

Porn is not spirital! Three guys doing some chick? Sure, it gets you in the mood and brings you up to speed on all the kinky shit people can do that you might not be doing, but you have to ask yourself if it is really for you?

 

A realationship is between two people, the third person will only cause problems. If this is a "sex" relationship only, go for it! If you have feelings for this person I would caution you, nothing good will come from a third person in your bedroom.

johnny rotten

Johnny:

 

Check out the book "The Ethical Slut."  It is possible for some people to be very loving and spiritual in polyamorous relationships.  It's not easy and takes a lot more work and communication than a two-person relationship, but it is doable.

 

In fact, the authors' of that book probably have a better, more successful relationship than a majority of couples out there.  They certainly have deeper, more-direct, heart-to-heart communications than many couples I have observed.

I find porn really disrupts my vibe, but that's me. I'm sure you have a wide range of answers because this type of question always brings them. To me, sex is an extremely spiritual event and, ideally, an expression of utmost love, so jumping totally into the physical realm of porn just is an out-of-vortex place to go, in my mind, for that total melding of two beings. But, I've got no problem if others like it, as long as I'm not sleeping with them. :-)

This is my opinion as man and rookie on LoA matters:

- Is this what you want ?

- What tells your intuition ?

- Are you emotional with this ?

- Do you vibe with it ?

- Will you man respect your free will ? or he's putting pressure on you ?

 

if you feel it's your way... do ...else don't

 

universal love to you

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