I know it's a pretty weird question, but I'm struggling to figure out how I feel about seeing my ex again after a whole year.
Honestly, I was apprehensive about going to a party I knew he was going to be at because I didn't know if I was ready to see him with his new girl. But when it happened, I felt something blunt. I was expecting a sharp pain somewhere in my heart.. but instead, I felt something like a nudge or a jostle. And I'm not quite sure if that's a positive sign or not.
What do these feelings mean? I'd really appreciate help or illumination on this. :)
i think it is because you have let the idea go about you and him and you accepted that he is your ex. Your mind still knows the pain and can somehow still feel the pain if fosuing on it. but the heart is heled alredy and so does not give a f abut him and the other gf.
like we say: you may never forget but it will go away.. M.
You know, I do accept that what we had has already past. But I see our relationship before as something that really formed who I am now. I guess in a way, I was hoping to see if he's changed as much as I did after what happened between the two of us. But seeing him last night made me feel like.. not to assume, but I may have progressed farther than he had. It disappointed me, in a way. Also, even though I do accept that he's my ex, I do still care for him sincerely. I really do hope he's in a better place now.
Thanks so much, Maggie, for taking the time to reply! :) Yes, the pain in my heart does seem to be going away. Thankfully. :)
There is no particular "should" in terms of how to feel when you encounter your ex after a year -- it's different for everyone.
But it sounds like the year -- and whatever has happened within that period of time -- gave you some distance, and perhaps instead of someone on a pedestal, he became a human being and that's how you saw him -- as a person you know -- who is with someone else. Maybe you had an image of the guy in your mind that was far bigger and more "perfect" than the actual human being you saw at the party.
I think sometimes the experience of intensity that comes in some relationships can be kind of addictive, so that when you don't experience the intensity (no matter how it's experienced), it seems almost disappointing.
Sounds like you've made progress. Your experience is YOUR experience -- and it's interesting; not right or wrong. Be in it.
Wow, Hooked on Sparkles, I feel like you pretty much captured what I'm feeling. I think I did put him up on a pedestal when we broke up, especially since I was so aware that most of the fault could be blamed on me. And I was so addicted with being good enough for him and obsessed with how good he made me feel when we were together before. But I think, after a few years of growth, I've finally come to learn to stand up on my own now. And honestly, I feel like I can stand as high as he does in my mind.. To be brutally honest, I think I could even say I've taken the pedestal off him and switched it to me.
Thanks for your reply! I still do really care for him though.. but now, I don't know what to do with my caring feelings. Do you have any suggestions?
Hi Lunar Lady
I feel that you should not worry about the caring feelings - there is nothing wrong with still caring for someone who touched your life. As long as they are caring feelings from a distance, and not turning into obsessive feelings of wanting to get back together, then I say care away! You don't know what that could bring into your life later on. For example, one of my ex boyfriends I am still in contact with and my parents just had lunch with him the other day! I feel great about it as he is someone who still contributes good things to my life and my family even though he is married with kids now. I don't feel jealous, or bitter, just joy and caring for him now.
Hi CrystalClear! That's a really nice story about you and your ex and your family. :) I wish I could eventually be that comfortable around him. However, the thing is, for the most part of the last two years, I've actually operated on the belief and hope that we'd eventually get back together. When I saw him last night, I'm not exactly sure if that's what I still want. Although I really still do care for him. Which makes me wonder, I know caring is not a bad thing.. but how do I know that my feelings are genuine and when does it somehow become feelings of getting back together? I don't know if that's what I'm feeling right now because of force of habit. Do you have any tips? :)
Your caring feelings can be there...just let them be there. It's good to care for someone! I guess you have to decide what that caring for him means...if it means anything at all.
And that's your decision -- or something for you to uncover.
Maybe it's just something you can be with...just caring. That's all. Being glad you can care and not be reacting to him based on some need to make yourself feel better or worthy, but just being glad you can care and you can also care for and prize yourself!
Just let your caring be there...and if you're not sure you want to be back with him in a romantic way, honor that. It sounds to me like you just care about him as a person, and don't want all the stuff you had when he was on that pedestal. Maybe then, you had an image of the guy you wanted him to be versus the guy he really was. Now maybe the guy he really is has come to the forefront, and you care about him in that way, but that doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with him. ???
I am not on the internet frequently, but I will try to check back from time to time!
Wow, you're so right. I feel exactly that way. I think much of my disappointment came from seeing that he was just a normal person and not the person I thought him to be. Thanks so much.
I've been trying to figure out what my "caring" feelings are for him. And I've realized it's because when I saw him last Friday, he looked so gaunt and pale and haggard and unattractive. And though my mind actually paused and asked me: "Really? You fell in love with that guy?," (my mind can be so cruel sometimes..,) my heart automatically wanted to reach out and take care of him. Make him healthy and look happy again.. just like when we were together. For a while, I felt really guilty about thinking that because it's evil, selfish, and self-serving. But I can't help it. He looked so much better before and I feel like I could nurse him back to health again.
But then again, my more rational side is also trying to tell me that he might just have looked like that because he was having a stressful week or a bad day but that doesn't mean he's unhappy holistically. One of my best friends told me that I should just let that feeling of taking care of him go because that's not my job anymore. Another of my best friends told me that my mothering instincts were going haywire again because I cared for him so much. She suggested that maybe the time to take care of him was still to come. Definitely, this wasn't my opportunity to go and save him. And at the end of the day, who am I to say he needs saving anyway?
I guess, in the end, if it's meant to be, it will always find its way to you. I just hope that he is indeed happier now. And I guess I should just leave it at that for now. :) Thanks for all your help guys! I'm so grateful you took the time to give your own interpretations. Thanks!!!
Hello Lunar Lady,
The question is never "how should you feel", but is always how do you want to feel? No one except you can make that decision. Decide how you want to feel and act and react to any person, thing or situation and that is what will happen. By questioning how you "should" feel, you are not allowing yourself to be in control of your own feelings. There is no "should" anything. Ever. That is what I call "parent speak" and it keeps you locked into the programming from your childhood, when you did as you were told. You are no longer that child. Now, there is only what you want. Your choice, just as it's always been. =)
Ross - Tolemac